The Greatest Trick

No, not the title of an obscure American indie feature (although perhaps it should be), but an indicator that we haven’t reviewed anything fully for some months and have gotten behind. So the following will also not be full reviews, but snapshots which we really want comments and questions on.

Knife in the Water (1962, drama/thriller, 3 stars) - The first feature film directed by Roman Polanski, his only Polish-language production and a pre-cursor to several more modern thrillers by other film-makers, and I’m thinking most readily here of Dead Calm and The Talented Mr Ripley in its plot and themes. A middle-class married couple, he middle-aged and she a fair amount younger, nearly run over a young hitch-hiker carrying a hunting knife and an attitude. Instead of just giving him a lift to his destination, they invite him to spend a day with him on their small yacht, for no discernible reason other than to patronize him. The young man takes all he can get from them, however, in more ways than one, and when competition between old and young men turns more serious, the tension racks up and the stakes are distinctly raised. Despite the wide-open vistas of the lake and surrounding land, it is claustrophobia that one feels more than anything, and that boat looks like the smallest living space ever when there is just one sailor too many.

Alien Autopsy (2006, comedy, 3 stars) - Ant and Dec star in a film documenting the facts behind the alien autopsy hoax revealed in 1995 regarding the dissection of an alien body found in the Roswell crash of 1947 (but it’s not a documentary, clearly). They are the 2 hoaxers, who just happen to come into possession of some sensitive film and see an opportunity to use it. It’s a good laugh, won’t challenge anyone but is most suitable for a Friday night’s viewing with some popcorn. Ant & Dec aren’t really actors any more, even though they started that way in their teens; they just play their charming selves and that’s enough for this story.

Kingdom of Heaven (2005, war/”historical”, 1 star) - Alien. Blade Runner. Thelma and Louise. Gladiator. Ridley Scott directed all these films, and each one is VERY highly thought of in filmic circles, even if they might not be to your tastes. I love all of them except T&L, which I’ve only seen the once. What I refuse to believe is that he also “directed” this unbelievably stinking messy pile of a movie, AND gave it a spiritual-sounding name!! I don’t think I have ever seen a bigger waste of resources thrown together to make a movie that clearly cost a lot of money to end up with such a shoddy result. Problems - there is no plot (need I go further)? No, seriously, until 3/4 of the way through I had no idea what the characters’ major objective was, or their main obstacle either. It was just a film where stuff happened. Orlando Bloom (or, as Mark Kermode regularly refers to him, Orloondo Bland) will never be as interesting and promising as he was in Lord of the Rings, and he couldn’t do anything with the lack of character given to him by the script here. A perfect marriage of crap material and uninspiring actor. I had half an idea that the battle scenes might be worth watching from such a visual master as Scott - I fell asleep during them. UNBELIEVABLE! Watch Gladiator for evidence that Scott can do this brilliantly - what the hell happened? My time is precious to me these days, especially leisure time, and I actually feel angry with Ridley Scott for stealing an evening from me with this indescribable pap.

More mini-reviews to follow soon…