Cinema Rage
This is the first in an occasional series of film related rants. My topic for today: cinema rage.
We’ve all experienced it. You’re sitting in the cinema immersed in a good film, perhaps during a particularly emotional or intense scene, when some inconsiderate twit lets their phone go off, and the entire audience is subjected to a track by Akon. What’s worse said twit doesn’t hurriedly and furtively turn the phone off, but instead yells into the receiver “I’m in the cinema!” It then takes massive amounts of self-control not to beat the perpetrator into a bloody pulp, and after the film you leave fuming. Bringing back capital punishment for people who answer phones in cinemas suddenly seems fair and reasonable.
As far as I’m concerned, mobile phones are the bane of modern life, but nowhere do I resent their presence more than my local multiplex. It’s not just their ringing that causes me to foam at the mouth, it’s the bright glare that distracts you from the screen when groups of 12 year old brats feel the need to text each other incessantly. I’m at a loss to understand why they bothered paying for a ticket to watch a film in the first place, if all they want to do is chat to each other. Surely they would be better off hanging around outside their local Co-op intimidating hapless customers?
Admittedly, since Orange put out their hilarious “don’t let a mobile phone ruin your movie” campaign, things have improved somewhat (check out the latest excellent addition with Michael Madsen as “the phone booth killer”). But even so, one can still be caught off guard – as I was last Friday – by inconsiderate audiences. And their weapons do not just include mobile phones. It was my misfortune to be surrounded in a smallish screen by a large group of teenagers who simply would not shut up, despite repeated pleas from me and other audience members. Of course, in the old days, an usher would have been present and asked them to leave, but modern multiplexes seem to have done away with this common sense precaution. Instead, irate audience members are forced to come out of the screen and try to find a member of staff and complain, causing them to miss part of the film.
At this point, I must make a clarification. There is a big difference between disruption and interaction. By interaction I mean where an audience laughs in comedies, screams in horror films and so forth. This can be an integral part of the cinema experience, and anyone who has been to see a film in Italy, America or certain other countries will know what I’m talking about. Although British audiences are traditionally more reserved, they can sometimes be provoked out of their apathy by a truly monumental film. For example, when I went to see the 1997 re-release of Star Wars at the Odeon Leicester Square in London, the audience mostly consisted of twentysomethings all of whom had seem the film countless times and knew it backwards. They clapped and cheered at appropriate moments, often at in-jokes best known to those fluent in Star Wars folklore (eg the stormtrooper who bangs his head). Leaving aside the fact that Star Wars is a full-on masterpiece that needs to be seen on a huge screen to be properly appreciated, there was a tremendous sense of childhood nostalgia and fun inherent in the proceedings, and the audience was interacting with the film not disrupting it.
So, how best to avoid cinema rage? I offer the following advice:
1. Don’t go on a Friday or Saturday, especially during matinee performances, and particularly avoid films likely to attract 12 year olds in a group.
2. Support your local “art house” cinema and broaden your cinematic horizons by watching something a bit different. Audiences at art house cinemas are notoriously intolerant of the slightest disruption to their viewing. One of my favourite cinemas in the country, Harbour Lights Southampton, actually at one time had a policy whereby if someone allow a phone to go off during a screening and they answered it, their name goes on a list and they are permanently barred.
3. Try to sit at the front (or near the front – I appreciate that some multiplexes have their front rows absurdly near the screen). This way, you will not only avoid troublemakers who generally sit near the back, but also the “weak bladder society” whose walk to the exits often obstruct the view.
4. Don’t be afraid of seeing U certificate family films. Troublemakers generally avoid these, and although you might think the presence of children will cause disruption, this is rarely the case since they are with their parents. What you will get is some delightful interaction – squeals of delight, gasps of amazement or occasionally parents whispering explanations of the plot, but again, this is all part of the cinema ritual for such films and entirely appropriate.
Failing the above, I recommend going armed with a hoody and baseball bat, should Christian restraint fail you (as it nearly did me last Friday).
Better still, get your own projector and screen in the front room
Then any interruptions needed for toilet/drink breaks (or even phonecalls, hey, sometimes they’re essential!) can be made along with the ‘pause’ button!
I want to know what you actually did when your restraint failed you!
Comment by Sarah — 12 March, 2007 @ 1:04 pm
Although home cinema systems are great, for me nothing will ever beat actually going to the cinema. Psychologically, the escapism factor can never be 100 per cent at home, and whilst it is possibly to rediscover old favourites in the manner you describe, I prefer to see films for the first time in an environment where (normally at least) there are no disruptions.
As for what happened when restraint failed me - I leave that to your imagination (which will probably be significantly more colourful than the mundane reality)!
Comment by Simon — 12 March, 2007 @ 1:23 pm
Well I must be getting old or something. I used to like going to the cinema but now it just annoys me. I hate the faff of getting a babysitter, it’s too expensive, too uncomfortable, and my screen/sound at home is better. Plus the evening films always start too late, I fall asleep in films often enough as it is! The escapism factor isn’t one I generally bother about, I find it much harder to get into a film at the cinema than at home. Perhaps that’s because I’m short and someone’s head is always in the way, and I’m uncomfortable in the seats. Yes, I definitely am getting old!
I got a free cinema ticket the other day from some Tabasco tokens, I guess I might use that … or perhaps I’ll go and stand outside the Odeon and see if I can flog it!
Comment by Sarah — 12 March, 2007 @ 2:57 pm
I must say I’m enjoying the cinema soooo much more now that I have membership at the local cinema here in Henley - it’s not exactly independent as it is part of a chain but there are just 3 small-ish screens and on the whole not many chavvy teenagers! Plus it still does nice tasting popcorn (what is with that weird stuff you get in the multiplexes?) and it has a bar and you can take you drink in with you - very civilised drinking a decent glass of red whilst watching.
Also - maybe it’s just me - I always find the multiplexes sound is waaay too loud for me and also they’re always freezing!
I really recommend Picture Houses (www.picturehouses.co.uk) if there’s one near you. Only minor problem is films don’t screen for that long so you have to be a bit quick off the mark. With membership there’s quite a few free previews too - bonus!
Comment by Allie — 12 March, 2007 @ 6:28 pm
I must say I’m enjoying the cinema soooo much more now that I have membership at the local cinema here in Henley - it’s not exactly independent as it is part of a chain but there are just 3 small-ish screens and on the whole not many chavvy teenagers! Plus it still does nice tasting popcorn (what is with that weird stuff you get in the multiplexes?) and it has a bar and you can take you drink in with you - very civilised drinking a decent glass of red whilst watching.
Also - maybe it’s just me - I always find the multiplexes sound is waaay too loud for me and also they’re always freezing!
I really recommend Picture Houses (www.picturehouses.co.uk) if there’s one near you - I think Harbour Lights is one actually. Only minor problem is films don’t screen for that long so you have to be a bit quick off the mark. With membership there’s quite a few free previews too - bonus!
Comment by Allie — 12 March, 2007 @ 6:50 pm
That’s what I hate about living here - IT’S AT LEAST HALF AN HOUR AWAY FROM ANY CINEMAS! And I’ve been spoilt because I’ve only lived in places with multiplexes and Picture House cinema before now. I have a fond memory of a sci-fi night at Harbour Lights: Predator, The Terminator and Aliens on the big screen again! And I was spoilt to be able to see Apocolypse Now at the cinema. Alana’s right, if there’s one local to you, it’s well-worth membership. (We had free tickets for a preview of Being John Malkovich - glad I didn’t pay money!)
Comment by Heidi — 28 April, 2007 @ 1:01 pm
If any of you could pick three films to watch in a rented cinema what would they be?
Comment by Christian — 17 February, 2008 @ 1:27 am
I’m not sure, because I have been blessed enough to have seen so many of my all time favourite films on a big screen courtesy of the BFI National Film Theatre in London and Harbour Lights cinema in Southampton during my student years. That said, here are three that I would love to see again on a big screen.
2001: A Space Odyssey
Lawrence of Arabia
Apocalypse Now
I’ve not included obvious choices like the Star Wars or Lord of the Rings films because I’ve seen them all several times on the big screen, whereas the above I’ve only seen once (or twice in the case of 2001).
Here are three classic films I have not seen in the cinema that I would really like to see on the big screen:
Jaws
Doctor Zhivago
Once upon a time in the west
Comment by Simon — 18 February, 2008 @ 9:29 am
Planet of the Apes (the original version!)
Lawrence of Arabia
Er, kids just arrived in the room to distract me, so I’ll leave it there…
Comment by Sparky — 20 February, 2008 @ 8:06 am
Jaws
The good,the bad,and the ugly
The Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford
Back to the future or Blade Runner….
Comment by Christian — 23 February, 2008 @ 5:52 pm